Vegan Baby: Weeks Twelve and Thirteen

Maternity leave is over. My hair seems to be leaving my head in clumps, either clinging to my hair brush or coiled around the tiny fingers of my baby. The times are changing, for sure.

Going back to work has been an adjustment. Obviously. On one hand, it is nice to interact with adults and be forced to actually look presentable. It's even kinda nice to have some sort of schedule to the day. Although, I would drop those benefits in an instant to be able to spend the time with Tallulah. Again, pretty obvious.

Returning to work means altering my life as a breastfeeding mom. It means a return to pumping. I had finally dropped most of those pump sessions and now I have to add them back in. If I work an earlier shift, it means waking up for the day when Tallulah is only waking up for an evening feed. It means sometimes getting up at 3:30 or four in the morning. It means an extremely exhausted mommy. My breaks consist of being in either someone else's office, or a tiny room closet-like room, hooked up to that dreaded machine. I really loathe pumping. It's definitely easier to be glued to a baby. At least there aren't a million parts to clean when she is nursing.

Work life has forced a lot of organization on my part. Do you know how challenging being organized is on minimal sleep? I do, now. I think this is where lists come in handy.

The last few days of my maternity leave brought a surprise for the non-mom me--I had my first publication. Twisted mini-tales of pregnancy and birth--kinda funny, considering they were written while I was goo-goo eyed for little Tallulah. I also worked on a side project during my leave that I hope I can reveal soon! It's a writing project that steers away from my usual literary realm. Stay tuned!

***

Before Tallulah was born everyone voiced their concerns on how Gustav would act around her. Honestly, with some of his behavioral issues--I was a little concerned. We already have to keep him and Pandora separate. I was imagining even more barriers and gates and maneuvering to love all the babies. Gustav proved all worries wrong. He's not even that interested in Tallulah. He'll sniff and lick her, before going on his way. Pandora is another story. Remember, Pandora was my only baby and best friend for a while. She was here before Eric, Gustav...and Tallulah. She has really been struggling lately. I don't know if she realized how much time this baby would consume; she knows now. Pandora copes in her cat ways--by just trying to walk on Tallulah or shove her out of the way. I've been extremely conscientious about making sure Pandora feels extra love--but it is challenging when slogging through sleep deprivation and breastfeeding inertia. Soon, Pandora will get her longer quality time again. I hope she can be just a little more patient!

During pregnancy I became reacquainted with the processed vegan foods. Not a proud moment, but when I had aversions to so many things those items were a blessing. Now, with motherhood I want so desperately to take the easy route and fall on those items again. And sometimes I do, but I've really been trying to focus on things that are easy and make a lot of servings, while being full of nutrients. Sometimes it's green smoothies, other times soups. Both things are basically just throw in a bunch of veggies and eat. Christmas I'll be cooking more, even though it's much more tailored down than normal.

Tallulah is now considered six weeks adjusted and I swear she has smiled at me a couple of times. I feel like she is such a "real" baby now. I love it and am thankful for her everyday. She's the best Christmas gift.

Vegan Baby: Weeks Ten and Eleven

This journey is constantly evolving. Our next move is me returning to work, which is happening in five days. I don't want to believe it, even as I miss being a member of adult society. I'm sure I'll get over that quick.

It still feels so soon. Tallulah's preemie status has her being much younger than her actual eleven weeks of age--her adjusted age will only be about five weeks when I go back, and who leaves a five week old baby?? Me, because I have run out of funds.

My biggest issue with returning to work is that we had just gotten into our rhythm. We are breastfeeding successfully, having one longer stretch of sleeping (after we have a marathon eating session of two or more hours, and usually including one bout of puking), and she is looking at me with this new awareness. She knows me. I don't want to leave those watchful eyes.

When I was pregnant, I had this whole idyllic image of maternity leave. In my vision, I was writing with ease while flitting around performing my motherly duties. Oh, silly me. It's a lot more chaotic than that. A beautiful chaos and I'm grateful for every moment that I was able to utilize for writing or crafting or sleeping. I don't expect anything for when I'm balancing my mother-self with my writer-self with my working-self. It will be a challenge that I'll take as it comes.

The other big theme of this time is Tallulah's first Christmas. We picked up her first tree and met with Mr. Claus. She was able to wear her super cute little Ms. Claus outfit.

During the tenth week, Tallulah had to make a visit to the doctor for clogged tear ducts. Apparently, it is a super common baby problem--much like her umbilical hernia. At that visit we found out that Tallulah weighed 8 pounds 5 ounces. Her growth is slowly down a bit, but still right on track. We are dropping almost all bottles (except at night when she has her vitamins).

Preemies are expected to hit their milestones according to their due-date age. One milestone that I am eagerly anticipating is a "real" smile. There are several times where she looks right and me and flashes her gums, but since it isn't constant I'm still thinking those are adorable reflexes. Tallulah can, however, hold her head up when I'm holding her--especially when she's hungry.

We closed out our maternity leave and Tallulah's eleventh week with a visit from her Grandpa Bob, Eric's dad. He brought his fancy camera to take some stellar photos and helped Eric fix up things around the house.

I feel like this update read very list-like. I can imagine that once I am working, the posts will be less conversation and more straight-to-the-facts.

We'll see in week twelve.

Vegan Baby: Weeks Eight and Nine

I have achieved success! It has been two weeks since I have had to use the nipple shield. Hurray! I'm not as drenched in my own milk! That being said, I'm not yet at the level where I can feed without trouble. I still need all my amenities: my bobby, a certain chair or pillows behind my back, and somewhere to lift my legs. Breastfeeding brings focus to her preemie status--feedings take quite a while and she is starving after an hour and a half to two hours. We have only had a couple of instances where straight nursing satiates her for three hours. From what I hear, that is how the nursed newborn rolls. We still offer bottled expressed milk at night, with maybe a scattered nursing session here and there. Honestly, I don't feel completely confident with my nursing skills and the measured bottle assures me she is getting the proper amount of food. Although, I should just trust she'll let me know if she isn't.--and I should be jumping at the chance to get rid of pumping. I'm down to four pumps a day, from eight every two-three hours. We are definitely making some progress!

Tallulah had her two month checkup at the end of November. She was seven pounds and ten ounces, still gaining over an ounce a day. The doctor still supported the Similac formula that they've been pushing and some conventional vitamin--when I told him that she is just drinking milk and I have found my own vitamin, a natural one, he did look slightly surprised. Supposedly, those chemically-produced, animal-sourced ingredients are supposed to make her grow quicker. Yet, she is growing rapidly on the things I have chosen for her, based on my own beliefs and morals. One for vegan baby, zero for corporate medicine. Speaking of, the great vaccine debate. I don't make rash decisions and I have done tons of research, which only leads to more confusion. All the horror stories on either side are anomalies. Not every vaccinated child dies from the side effects and not every non-vaccinated child comes down with some archaic disease. Of course, we don't want to be the exception on either side--but I feel much better not sticking her with artificial ingredients, especially with a preemies compromised immune system. Parenting is full of loaded decisions.

Pandora had to make a visit to her own doctor, too. There is still speculation of hidden kidney issues--apparently, blood work won't show renal concern until less than 75% of her kidneys are functioning. She was losing weight again and had her second UTI in a few months. She was injected with fluids and we are back to twice-weekly B12 shots. Pandora appears to be doing much better, but I'm still concerned. She is definitely the first baby, and I am not ready to face her mortality. Not that I'll ever be, really.

In case you haven't noticed the excessive consumer frenzy and festive decorations spilling over society, the holidays are coming! Tallulah has now had her first Halloween (with maternal Grandpa), and now has had her first Thanksgiving with her paternal Grandma. Thanksgiving can be a vegan nightmare, but also presents several opportunities to show how great vegan food is. Later, this holiday will be perfect for teaching Tallulah our compassionate lifestyle. I have attended Farm Sanctuary's Thanksgiving event with my mom, where you feed the turkeys rather than eating them. I can't wait to take Tallulah to this one day. This year,  Eric's mom made an awesome vegan spread for Thanksgiving. It was nice to just focus on baby and chatting, rather than sweating and stressing in the kitchen. I did prepare dessert, as I can't completely stay out of the kitchen. Those desserts were made with a snuggled baby in the Moby. Baby demands do compromise cooking--again, making Linda's cooking that much more appreciated. Plus, I love it when non-vegan family members support the lifestyle. It's even more awesome when they hail from South Dakota, a state many remember as the one that kicked Joan Jett off the state float for her veganism and its conflict with the ranching industry. We ate all the traditional fixings--including a couple I hadn't had in a few years: from-scratch stuffing and green bean casserole. This breastfeeding mom ate two full plates. Um, making mom-milk burns a lot of calories. Not that my waistband is supporting that notion.

 

Post-partum weight brings me to the non-baby part of motherhood--the mom herself. Life with a new baby means squeezing in showers, eating crackers all day because the baby is on a feed-a-thon and that is all you can reach, and watching your hair fade to a lovely shade of orange swamp. Plus, engorged milk-boobs make it impossible to fit into any old tops. A reality I'll have to face for at least a year. That should spark a shopping spree, but who wants to shops when you weigh some ungodly number? Looks like I'm stuck in leggings and stretchy dresses. The days where I do get to spruce up a bit with a longer shower and a dusting of make-up feel extra special, and help to feel a bit more human. I've still been attending my twice-a-month writing groups, which also fosters my not-mom self. Of course, while I love these groups, I also find myself missing her the whole time. I can't imagine how I'll feel when I go back to work....in 13 DAYS!!?? Yikes. I don't even want to think about it.

During Week Nine, I was able to take Tallulah to a write-in, at The Porch's event. I love writing with her wrapped up. That won't last forever as she'll soon be too awake. Maybe one day we can write at side by side desks. Maybe. :)

Tallulah is now ten weeks and up to size one diapers, with some of her newborn attire getting awfully tight. Craaaaaazzzy.

Vegan Baby: Weeks Six and Seven

  Week six brought my maternal grandparents, Tallulah's great-grandparents. They spoiled her with hugs, Christmas dresses, and a hi-tech baby monitor. We both enjoyed seeing them. Plus, we were able to go to few more restaurants. Now, the grandparents are not too keen on all-vegan fare--so, I had to find some places to accommodate both sides. We went to Suzy Wong's House of Yum, Battered and Fried, and Sloco. As much as I prefer a completely veg restaurant, it is nice to know that there are spots in town that we are able to eat and that your omnivorous family approves of. We can fight the go-vegan battle when we have more than thee hour sleep stretches.

  During week six, we hit a couple of milestones. We ditched the preemie stuff. That's right, she wore her last preemie diaper and we really struggled to squeeze her into the onesies. She's a real newborn now! :)

  Her seventh week was a huge milestone--it was the week she was due. I've heard from other preemie moms that the due date is super emotional and almost traumatic. We didn't experience either of those--just a sort of surreal feeling. That's the day she was expected, but we are so much more familiar with each other now. We have been incredibly lucky with her preemie experience, for which I am so thankful.

  These past couple of weeks hit on the center of my maternity leave. I can't believe it's already halfway over. I have to admit, it will be nice to be a part of civilization that gets dressed and speaks in more than coos and euphemisms for bodily functions. Although, the larger part of me is dreading leaving Tallulah. Can't I just wear her in the Moby at work? Or, can I hurry up with these novel revisions? I have been hitting the writing as hard as I can--but it is a challenge with a baby's feeding schedule. I have finally admitted to myself that I can't do it all--if there are some dishes in the sink or clumps of dog hair on the floor, the world will not collapse. I also want to utilize my remaining maternity time for writing. It will be much more challenging when I am balancing work and mommyhood.

  We are finding our routine, or trying to. Sleeping is non-existent and breastfeeding is still a trying process. I know one day we'll look back without bags under our eyes and a well-latched baby, and think We did it. It was so easy. Or something like that.

Vegan Baby: Week Five

  Tallulah had her first houseguest: her grandfather! Her grandfather (my father) came to visit from the vegan mecca, Portland. Sadly, he didn't arrive with Voodoo Doughnuts slipped into his carry-on, but he did bring some vegan recipes along for the ride--which was a pleasant surprise. You see, my dad isn't the biggest advocate for veganism--but he was willing to find a veggie recipe that he would like as well. Dad's recipes were for soups. We had time to make the carrot-ginger soup, and he left the recipe for a mushroom soup. I was able to impress him with my vegan shepherd's pie. Dad also brought doggie treats, which made him a friend for life with Gustav. Gustav was on his best behavior the entire week my dad was visiting.

 We used this trip to test out doing things with Tallulah. We took her to local tourist/rock star attraction, Third Man Records--where she had her first photo booth experience. She slept throughout the whole thing. We ate at a couple of restaurants and ran a few errands. Before my dad arrived, Tallulah and I even went to our first birthday party. All of these events would not be possible without my Moby. It enables me to not be stuck in the house, but also keep Tallulah less exposed. As she is a preemie, that is still something that has to be considered.

 The fifth week marked a huge milestone for us--Tallulah latched! We have been struggling through feedings. I am on a constant cycle of preparing bottles, pumping, and nursing with a messy nipple shield. My entire existence is measured in feedings. It gets exhausting. Her latching would at least mean I could ditch the nipple shield--and I did for about four days. Unfortunately, then she had troubles latching again. It's been inconsistent since then. I have to just tell myself that it's a sign that she is getting there. It's a struggle, though. On the breastfeeding note, how do breastfeeding moms do it while out and about. I feel like all of my clothes would make for an awkward display. I'm thinking I need to invest in a nursing cover. And I definitely don't think I could handle the nipple shield in public. It is so messy.

 Tallulah is anticipating a long weekend visit from her great-grandparents this weekend. We'll let you know how it goes!

Vegan Baby: Weeks Three-Four. "Home Life"

  Well, we're home. The day we waited for did arrive, and after a mere nineteen days in the NICU. Those nineteen days felt like a gazillion.

  Before, I lived in a blur of pumping, driving, and supervised kangaroo care. Now, I live in the blur of real life parenthood. In this world, one doesn't sleep or know what time it is or take showers before three pm. I feel like I wear the same oversized shirt--touting the fun of forbidden books--and leggings with holes in the seams that I think may be growing larger. Who knows and who cares? I wonder if I'll ever wear fashionable clothes or mascara again. Maybe. One day.

  The above paragraph may look like a complaint--no, I'm just stating the facts. Parenthood/motherhood is not an easy feat, but that's okay--it's also completely and wonderfully amazing. Take today, for example. I found success in wrapping Tallulah in the Moby, without the struggle I was having before. Something so simple became something so profound. I guess that's what motherhood is like? That's my newbie guess.

  This post is supposed to document last week and the beginning of this week (where Tallulah turns four weeks old!). I can't organize things well in my mind at the moment (again, that's what motherhood aka four hours of sleep divided into restless chunks will do). But, here are some bullet points.

Week Three:

• Pandora and Gustav met their sister, finally! I couldn't wait to get the most precious photos of them with her. I did get those, but I also got a more aloof Pandora and a Gustav who has another reason to bark. It's all right--life has become a work in progress. 
• I am so thankful that Eric doesn't believe in outdated gender roles, i.e. he doesn't leave all baby duties for me. I also became a little more thankful of pumping--well, except at two in the morning when I had to feed and then pump--but, pumping has given Eric the opportunity to feed Tallulah, and even give me the occasional night to sleep. Although, I've now become an even lighter sleeper, always on the listen-out for distressed baby sounds. I should have relished sleep during bed rest, instead of stressing out about what needed to be done. 
• I can no longer keep track of time. I'll pass by a clock, note the time, do baby stuff, maybe get a quick snack--and it's suddenly two hours later. How does that happen? And how have I still not taken a shower?
• I need to accept the advice of sleep when baby does and stop trying to be your former self at full force, for now. Honestly, I sometimes panic that I'll never get to work on my novel. That I'll never want to. What about my MFA applications--what if I wait one more year? There goes my mind again--Tallulah's eyes are shut, and mine probably should be, too. 
• Tallulah had her first pediatrician appointment. They, too, want her breastmilk fortified with milk-based formula and want her taking some generic, nasty vitamin. Now, this pediatrician was found through searching natural databases. Then why do they still push all this GMO-filled, chemically based crap? And it's impossible to get a completely straight answer. They basically say that we are able to choose our own path, but then scare you with the "necessity" of these things. I tried to research other vegan preemies--but couldn't find any information. Luckily,  friend of mine had her daughter at 32 weeks also. She has been a great resource!

    We are barely in Week Four, so I don't even know what the bullet points of this week would be. This week's focus is teaching Tallulah the difference between night and day--one way we have been doing this is with daily walks. It's nice to feel fresh air again and I even feel moments of inspiration. I can't wait to write again, to have the motivation to write again. Maybe I should just force myself to do it--I mean, I can work the Moby now. I should be able to do anything.

 

  See you in Week Five, where I hear the "real" smiles start happening. 

Vegan Baby: Weeks One-Three: Life in the NICU

  Life has become a blur of pump sessions, documenting milk produced, driving on a rigid schedule, and the horrible beeping of baritone alarms. I don't know if I can pinpoint where September 22nd ended and today begins. I hear that when you have a new baby, life becomes like that--but my situation is different. I'm not sleep-deprived at home in the same pajamas every day, a swaddled baby in my tired arms. I'm a NICU parent, which has its own definition of parenthood and newborns.

  NICU parenthood is devastating. Your baby is ripped away and hooked up to sterile machines, while you're left alone in a silent, cold hospital room. A nurse shows you how to clean your birthing wounds and hooks you up to a breast pump. It's all so mechanical. Eventually, you meet your fragile baby. Your baby whose vitals are beeping and displayed on flatscreen computers. Your baby that you have to ask permission to touch. They shove a tube down your baby's throat, dropping the meager drops of colostrum directly into your baby's tiny stomach. The nurses inform you that they may need to supplement with formula until your milk comes in--dairy formula. Dairy? But you are vegan; you are raising your child vegan! They look at you like you're a monster--preemies need dairy formula, they say. You pump with a newfound vigor.

  Several babies are in a more serious condition than my child. Some only weigh a little over a pound--which I compare in my head. The rats I used to have weighed a pound, and they were so small. Some NICU babies are hooked up to all sorts of wires and monitors. How do those parents handle it? I broke down the moment I saw Tallulah with an IV and the sensor wrapped around her tiny foot, detecting the level of oxygen coursing through her. I wanted her to be with me, but that's not how it is with premature babies.

  This goes on for nineteen days. Tallulah has to learn to eat, and we have to learn to feed her. To watch out for blue lips and quick gulps that could affect her vitals. We have to learn to ignore the machines beeping and just look at her for cues. We have to learn to be parents in the organic sense--the sense that we had wanted from day one. She has to grow, too. She impresses doctors with her advances, both with taking a bottle filled with pumped milk and with her ability to act like an average baby. There are setbacks--the tube has to be forced down her throat for a few more feedings. I cry again, even when they say that it doesn't bother them. Tallulah ends up in a hospital crib before she reaches the four pound mark. We are able to bring her clothes, miniature onesies for the tiniest of babies.
                                               

  Then, one day, they say you are going home. It's been leading up to this. We have brought in our carseat and she eats well, sometimes too well. There's no notice, because once the doctors deem your child ready they contact the insurance company--and they want your baby out immediately; they don't want to pay for thriving babies. In a whirlwind, we make the arrangements for rooming in. Eric has to miss a day of work and rush home halfway through our room-in session to let Gustav out to use the bathroom. That's not a mess you want to bring a new baby home to.

  We bundle her up, strap her into the carseat, and walk slowly through the hospital corridors. Another set of NICU parents points to us, leans their heads in to whisper furiously.

  "They are going home. Look, they are going home."    

  It takes all of my composure muscles to not break down. Not in the waiting area. Not while we drive away. Instead, I turn my focus to Tallulah and make sure her head is up--so that she may breathe easily on the ride to her home.

     

Veganism and Prematurity

This is the shortest post ever. The topic didn't exactly fit elsewhere, and it needs to be addressed. More than once, I've been asked if my vegan diet contributed to Tallulah's early arrival. No, it did not. I knew that it didn't and I mentioned this outside concern to my completely conventional doctor--even she said that it was in no way a factor. Sometimes babies are just born prematurely. What could have contributed was working a job where I stand for eight hours, the stress of moving, my feeling the need to finish and accomplish everything quickly, and a possibly weak cervix. None of these are related to a compassionate diet.

My vegan diet did play a part in my pregnancy, and hopefully in Tallulah's speedy trip home. Remember my last panel of blood work, and how stellar it was? After giving birth, I was only sore for about a day and then was already ready to take Gustav on a ten mile walk and finish unpacking--I didn't, because I'm trying to reserve energy and make sure my body does heal completely. I think my healthy state contributed to bouncing back. I also think that Tallulah's homecoming process will be better because of all of the nutrients she will be receiving from my vegan breastmilk.

So, does a vegan diet contribute to a preemie baby? Absolutely not. It can, however, make for a healthier preemie that grows up to love all walks of life and to eat her veggies.

Week 32: My unexpected birth story

   Going on bed rest in my 31st week definitely changed my perception of the pregnancy journey. I now had to deal with the possibility of not being able to return to work and losing maternity leave to bed time, as opposed to baby time. Would I have to be completely immobile for two months, halting the unpacking and settling into the new house and hindering last minute baby preparations? I had an appointment with my doctor on the 19th, where we would determine some part of the future. She checked my cervix and found it to still only be dilated to a one and the baby's head still extremely low. Our plan for the future was for me to return to work with limited hours and restricted duties.

   I never made it back to work.

   Eric and I utilized that weekend to see a movie, pick up things at Home Depot, and still do quite a bit of relaxing--I didn't want to over-do it. Apparently, it didn't matter what I did; my baby wanted to arrive ahead of schedule.

  Sunday evening, I had intended to go to an art supply store to pick up crafting supplies for the nursery. I didn't go and had a strange stomach ache. This was about seven in the evening. I ate red beans and rice and curled up to watch The Help. The pain wasn't exactly intense, but it wasn't going away. I dealt with it and tried to go to sleep.

  I couldn't sleep. This mysterious cramp in my stomach was getting worse and not going away. I went to the bathroom and saw that I was spotting. An awful feeling crept up--something was wrong. Had I done too much this weekend? I called the on-call doctor, who informed me that the spotting could just be the result of my cervical exam two days before. "Just keep an eye on it," she said, without a drop of concern to her voice. I would watch it, but my intuition told me it was something more even if I didn't really want to believe it.

  We started to time these pains. Eric said that he was concerned that they were contractions. "Remember the class? How they said it could feel like gas pains?" I remembered that, but I also remembered that they were supposed to feel like a squeezing, a menstrual cramp--and that you were supposed to see your stomach moving. None of that was happening. Still, it was painful. I knew I wasn't going to sleep, and so I told a bath instead and it did help my pain--sort of. It was still there and now we were finding that the pain was coming and going every twelve minutes. Indigestion doesn't do that.

  I called the doctor again and they told me to come down to the hospital. I kissed Pandora's sleeping cheek--I had a feeling that something was going to be different the next time I saw her. Gustav watched me with weary eyes. In my vision of birth, I had imagined a perfectly packed suitcase. I was going to have a labor playlist, massage tools, and my own nightgown. We didn't bring any of these because we weren't prepared to do this so soon.

  At the hospital, they found my cervix now at a three. My "contractions" were not registering on the monitor, again confusing me to believe that maybe something else was happening. The nurses shot that down. They may not see the contractions on the screen or feel them with their hands, but they saw me wincing with pain and my cervix changing. They were absolutely contractions. Doctor's orders: stop them.

   They gave me orange pills, muscle relaxers, to try to stop them. Now, I haven't even taken a Tylenol during this pregnancy. I was extremely cautious, even with supplements--and I definitely don't do "medicine." Although, at this point, I just didn't want to have my baby arrive before she was ready. I didn't want to see her hooked up to tubes and machines. So, I took the pills--and the contractions continued. I already had an IV jabbed into my vein, they were dropping "nutrients" into my body and I wasn't allowed food. They added magnesium to my IV regimen. IVs were not part of my birth plan. Nothing that was happening was part of my birth plan. I was starving, concerned, wondering if I should contact my doula at three o'clock in the morning. I didn't want to be restriction, my arms getting tangled in IVs and wires. I wanted birth tubs, chosen songs, and a relaxing environment.  Not this.

  The magnesium didn't stop the contractions, either. The nurses offered an epidural.

  "You're having this baby today."

  I refused the epidural. Nothing was going as planned--that was the one thing I could still control. I could still have my natural childbirth. Well, as natural as it could be with IVs and pills and being forbidden food. I did find out why food is recommended. At some point during the labor, I can't really remember when, I threw up all of my dinner and snacks. It was the most violent retching I can recall. Eric held a trash can below my open mouth, while I lost red beans and rice and jalapeño jelly mixed with tofutti. I would not have eaten those things if I knew I was going to be laboring or puking.

  Most of the labor is jumbled in my mind. I remember the clock changing quickly. Time went by so fast, even when each contraction seemed to last so long. The contractions never felt like what I had imagined. I refused an epidural several times. The nurses were shocked that anyone would refuse it. At the end of my labor, I felt like I couldn't do it anymore. I considered pain medication at one point, and asked when would be too late. They told me it was already too late. I didn't really want it, but at some point the pain becomes so intense and forceful that I doubted myself. Could I handle this daunting task of delivering a human being? Especially when I didn't expect it so early?

  During this time, Eric was the best support person I could have hoped for. He massaged my lower back and head, even without the planned massage tools. I looked up once, towards the end, and saw his own eyes brimming with tears. He removed my bedpan, right before my water broke--a strange sensation of a balloon swelling and then exploding from beneath me. That was when it became real for him. They told me not to push. I felt--now remember birth is not pretty--like I was going to have to poop. That was my worst fear about the labor process--pooping all over the delivery table. That feeling was a baby, pushing her way into the world. It took a total of two pushes.

  Two huge bright lights were blinding me. There were faces swarming. Nurses, my doctor, NICU representatives explaining what life would be like with my baby taken away from me. They were ordering me not to push, not to do this. Then:

  "Look at your baby."

  There was this grey wiggling person, still attached to me via the umbilical cord that they quickly clamped and removed. Strangers picked her up and checked her vitals. Eric alternated taking photos with my phone and our nicer camera. Someone--a nurse?--brought her to me--wrapped in a blanket and topped with a tiny beanie. Her eyes were closed and she had the most perfect face I had ever seen--but I didn't cry, like I had expected. I still didn't believe what had just happened.

  She, Tallulah, was seven weeks and two days early. Our house wasn't unpacked. Our doula wasn't there. We didn't have a strategically packed suitcase. I didn't get my post-birth skin to skin. My baby was taken away and put in a different corner of the hospital.

  It was incredibly difficult. It still is. I'm thankful that Tallulah is healthy. I'll be even more thankful when she is ready to come home.

Weeks 30-31: Vegan Pregnancy

  A large part of pregnancy involves planning. You plan for the room, the name, the new lifestyle you are about to embark on. You create a birth plan, with every intricate detail that you hope will come into play when your new baby enters the world. Movies always show the in-labor mothers needing to toss aside these meticulously composed plans due to all the unexpected surprises that come along with bringing a human being into the world. Turns out, life imitates art. 

 Let me back track a bit, to the less eventful Week 30. Week 30 involved organizing our new place, deciding which books would go where. Week 30 also involved finishing up with getting the addresses to my shower hosts and finishing up the final touches of the registry. Around this time, I also confirmed my doula: Megan Adair. We met up in the early part of Week 31, a decaf espresso for her and a decaf tea for me. Oh, and a vegan/gluten-free muffin from Vegan Vee --which was fabulous! 

Megan and I talked about my aspirations for this birth. It was a difficult task to visualize something that I'm so new to, so ignorant to. She asked how I wanted my birth to go. I said quick and painless, trying to be funny. Be careful what you ask for.

September 11th was our first Childbirth class; it was a Thursday evening. The room consisted of five other couples and we watched some videos and just summed up pregnancy, especially the third trimester. I left the class feeling incredibly excited, realizing how close we were to the end of this journey. 

That night, or rather Friday early morning, I got up to use the restroom--as I have to quite frequently now, obviously. I discovered I was bleeding, quite profusely. My first reaction was to panic, of course--but I remained relatively calm and called to Eric. Not to say I didn't shed some tears of concern--but I was able to make a composed phone call to the doctor, who told me to get to the hospital and get checked out. At the hospital we discovered that I was already dilated to one centimeter and that baby's head was very low. At only 31 weeks. 

I was then wheeled to another part of the hospital, hooked up to an IV, given antibiotics--all the unnatural things I have been trying to avoid. I was also forbidden any food. Baby sounded good and there were minimal contractions, just the bleeding, dilation, and head position to worry about. Also, there was the concern of my job. They didn't like the idea of standing eight hours a day and lifting/bending. 

We stayed in the hospital overnight, leaving on Saturday around ten am. As of now, it's up in the air what is going on. I'm on modified bed rest, meaning mostly beds and couches with the occasional restroom break, showers, and fixing a quick bite to eat. It's pretty boring. Maybe I'll actually finish revising my novel? We shall see.

In the meantime, I'll be here--keeping this baby intact, inside the womb. Hanging out with Pandora, who believes bed rest to be the best concept ever!

Weeks 27-29: Vegan Pregnancy

  The last few weeks have been absolutely chaotic. I wish I could go back and remember weeks 27, 28, and 29 on their own--but it's impossible. They all blur into a phantasmagoria of moving, animal care-taking, and your basic preggo stuff.

  I am glad to say that Eric and I are now homeowners! It has been...a process--in fact, it is still a process. The entire month of August was focused on packing, putting up a fence so that our dog-child could have the yard of his dreams, and painting the interior of our new home. Being pregnant hindered what I could do, obviously. I chose paint colors and took care of the rental (packing what I could, taking care of the fur-babies, and making the necessary phone calls). I learned that pregnancy not only hinders what you are physically able to do, but also stifles your energy. There were many days I intended to pack an entire room and only ended up getting a couple of boxes full before being wiped out. Not my finest moments--and I really, really hate being on the sidelines. That goes for the painting, too. I guess I should have just relished in the luxury of not being asked to do much. I guess.

New Fence. New House

  We are now in our new place, nearly the 30th week of pregnancy. Our home is far from perfect, but it is slowly coming together--and I absolutely adore this home, and all of its flaws.

  My symptoms and pregnancy experiences haven't changed too much in the last few weeks. Moving definitely alters food routines. There was a lot of eating out (Wild Cow, Khan's Desserts, and Italia Pizza are some of our Nashville favorites!)--and I'm sure there were a few days where I didn't hit my goal of 70 grams of protein. A packed up Vitamix is a big bummer, and a huge damper on plans involving smoothies packed full of Vega protein powder. I'm getting back on track with monitoring my food choices--a lot of protein, vegetables, and--a pregnancy favorite--fruit.

  It's really starting to hit me how close the due date is. She'll be here in just a little over two months. That has prompted a lot of feelings, both related to the baby and to myself in general. I worry about the kind of mother I will be and the effect of this change of my furry children. Especially Pandora. She has been my number one baby for thirteen years. She was there before I even moved out of the house as an adult. We have been through everything together, and I want to make this transition as smooth as possible for her. Everyone outside of our home worries about Gustav, due to the many issues he is known to have. I have been playing baby sounds for him, which he doesn't even seem to notice. His biggest challenge may be how he interacts with those that he doesn't live with. He's already not friendly with strangers--and now he'll have a baby that he quite possibly will become super protective over. Again, I am so thankful for knowing the best dog trainer in the world, Tonia Floyd of the Training Spot.

  Some other concerns of mine aren't relative to a newborn, but more to the baby as she grows up. There are the given concerns that all parents have, then there are the ones specific to raising a vegan child. How do you handle social situations that aren't completely vegan, especially if you aren't hovering over your child like a crazy person? There are several people that don't get the vegan lifestyle--especially when concerning a child. We have been brainwashed to believe that in order to develop properly you NEED meat and dairy. That is completely false. Sadly, there are still people that will attempt to trump your place as parent and do what they think is best. How does one deal with those sort of people, without just getting angry. I hope I am proving a lot of those types wrong with this pregnancy. I heard so many times that a vegan pregnancy was unhealthy and dangerous--blah, blah, blah. I know I've discussed this before, but it needs to be said again: my blood pressure, blood levels (iron, glucose, etc), and weight gain have been right on point--a lot of times even better.  I can't wait to have my healthy, compassionate baby in my arms to show everyone that it can be done. Veganism is not scary.

  One last thing before I close out my 29th week. Garden of Life has come out with a new line of vitamins that are totally made out of food, not food based like so many others. It's the Kind line of vitamins, endorsed by one my favorite celebrity vegans, Alicia Silverstone. I only recently started taking the prenatal vitamin. So far, I love it. Vegan D3!!

  See you all in the 30th week!

Week 26: Vegan Pregnancy

  I learned a valuable lesson at the close of my 26th week: there is a certain posture required for eating while pregnant. I had made the most amazing vegan enchiladas and mango-green smoothie. Unfortunately, I ate them while sitting slightly hunched over. They were never even digested for a moment. Now, I make sure to eat sitting straight up--preferably at a table, not on the couch. The good thing is that this will teach me not to multitask while eating. Dinner is not the time for book editing, movie watching, or facebooking. Lesson noted. This may be connected to the hellish heartburn I've been having, a common symptom of pregnancy. I've tried aloe, papaya, eating tiny snacks--nothing has helped. I've heard that calcium helps (it's the main ingredient in Tums). Anyone have a great vegan calcium supplement they would like to recommend?

Beautiful dinner. Ugly digestive system.

  This week was trying for my fur-baby, Pandora. She had a pretty major health scare, one that seemed to suggest kidney trouble. All cat parents know that kidney problems are serious and terrifying to consider. Pandora is definitely my first baby and the thought of losing her was more than I could handle. I know that stress is bad for those incubating in the womb--but how do you remain zen when there's the possibility of losing Pandora. Luckily, her blood work just showed a bad UTI and some tummy issues. She was sent a plethora of medication, including B12 shots that I have to inject at home. I didn't get the hang of that until now (which is week 27). All is going well with that--and Pandora will be the healthiest big cat-sister ever!

Healing my other child. She's pretty stoked to be on a two-can diet now. 

  Unavoidable stress seemed to be the theme of Week 26. We are preparing to move--which is quite an experience while expecting a child. I can't do much, which drives me crazy. No painting, no lifting--ugh, it's so frustrating. I can pack, just can't move the boxes around. Which is also quite frustrating. Although, moving does mean one more change for this year--and, I can't wait for baby to be in the new place, in her room. Decorating details to come.

See you at the end of Week 27.

Week 25: Vegans Test Better

  I had my glucose test during my 24th week, and never received a phone call with the results. When I called inquiring about my missing results, they informed me that they were perfect. They don't just test for glucose; they do a whole panel and look to check iron levels. Most pregnant women are recommended to take extra iron--in fact, every pregnant woman I seem to encounter is on an iron supplement. Me, the vegan, is on none. Just more proof that this diet is the way to go--not only for the benefit of animals, but for yourself, too.


  One dietary concern that I do have is protein. Oh, the irony. The one thing that I hate to have non-vegans question or worry about with me is the one thing that I find myself worrying about. Pregnancy makes things strange. Everything I've read recommends 70 grams of protein--for development and to make a natural birth run more smoothly. I'm all for healthy babies that come out easily--however, 70 grams?!!? That's A LOT. I've been adding protein smoothies to my daily regimen; my favorite brand is Vega. I prefer the Vega One, but as I've been buying a glut of supplements--I've been going for the Vega protein smoothie. I also love the Vega bars.

  Beans are an excellent source for protein, too--and iron! We have been going bean crazy in this house: enchiladas, spicy beans and rice, burritos, mock tuna made from garbanzo. One recipe that I made last week was amazing, and so healthy. I'm not one for specific measurements, but here's the recipe in a gist:

One poblano

One head of kale

One roll of polenta

A jar of salsa

Two cans of beans 

Some garlic, some onion

****Saute this all up in a pan, pour into a casserole dish, top with vegan cheese and bake for about 20 minutes at 350 degrees. We like to top it with vegan sour cream and avocado.****

  Other than bragging about my perfect blood and glucose, I've been feeling tons of baby movement. It feels like a fish with tiny hands maneuvering through my muscles. Kinda strange and totally miraculous. 

Looking more pregnant. Huge, as many have said. 

Vegan Pregnancy: May 2014 (weeks 13-16)

May was a huge month for us. We went to Portland--which is vegan mecca if you haven't been. We hadn't been out to see my dad since 2011, and we were pretty overdue. The trip became even better with Eric's mom and brother meeting us out there--oh, and telling everyone about our mini-vegan, of course.

Our trip was a perfect blend of sightseeing and eating. Always eating on trips. We went to Paradox cafe for vegan breakfast, ate awesome donuts at Voodoo Donuts, revisited Native Foods (I can't believe how far they have expanded), went to the vegan strip mall, and found vegan sundaes on Alberta Street. All vegans must go to Portland. Now.

We were able to announce the baby at a family gathering, where all of my family made their own vegan dishes--including my 82 year old grandmother. The food was delicious, but it was great to be able to share such big news in person. We didn't get to do that with our parents, but at least we had the chance with my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandmother. After we told family, we were ready to tell everyone. With social media, obviously. Pregnancy brain interfered with me choosing any specific date to tell the world, but it worked out. I apparently posted the ultrasound photo on the eve of my "first" Mother's Day. Although, in my world, I've been having Mother's Day since 2002 when I found my Pandora.

I ended my first trimester in May, and decided to start gearing myself up for delivery. You can never be too prepared, right? I started seeking out every natural birth video I could find. I thought the images and videos were be either kinda icky, or terrifying--but, instead I found myself crying. Ah, hormones.

Parodox Cafe. Vegan breakfast does exist, and it's fabulous.

A whole section of vegan donuts!!

                                           Native Foods!!

Sweet Pea Bakery. More vegan donuts.

Week 24: Body changes, flutters or kicks, and cravings.

    I hit my 24th week on July 22nd. Time is going by so quickly! People have started to ask when I'm due, which is almost jarring as I'm used to the "don't ask unless you know" rule. It's strange how pregnancy puts your body under anything-goes-commentary. I have had several people acknowledge my expanding shape, not always with the sweetest adjectives. It's actually really rude, and creates a whole new complexity for female body image. I've always struggled with the way my stomach looks and it isn't always easy having so much focus be on my most hated body part. All I can do is remind myself that this isn't just the average burrito belly, this one has a person growing inside of it! It's a struggle, the pregnant body. It's a body that changes so rapidly and can look so strange--but, it's a beautiful thing, too. It's crazy to think that my body is cultivating a human being. Sometimes that thought really blows me away.

    It's easy to forget that I'm growing a person, especially when I can't even feel them. From the research I've done, it seems that most people feel their babies by now. I have an anterior placenta (some crazy medical jargon), which means I could be delayed in feeling everything; I have a buffering placenta. There are times I feel something, but I can't always discern digestion from fetal limbs. Hopefully soon!

    As I near the third chunk of pregnancy, one thing that almost irks me is my lack of kooky pregnancy cravings. No pickles and coconut milk ice cream? I have noticed that I am really into lemonade and orange juice--but those cravings aren't very interesting. Ever since being pregnant I have been obsessed with Arnold Palmers, an immediate problem due to the caffeine in iced tea. I've taken to brewing giant pots of decaf black tea. Pregnancy really changes your taste buds. Things that I loved before aren't that great now--such as Primal Strips vegan jerky and Daiya's havarti wedge. I really hope I like these again one day, especially that havarti wedge. It was seriously one of my favorite things. What I do love is fruit and the new Earth Balance macaroni and cheese. Comfort food and natural sweets. Earlier in the pregnancy I couldn't stand sprouted bread, luckily that didn't last long.

   I only have four weeks left before my third trimester--which is nearly impossible to believe. We are getting ready to move, and I think that will have me feeling more prepared for the baby. I'm super excited to set up the nursery and hang up the pile of baby stuff that is currently gathered in front of our record player. Pacifiers, diapers, creams, etc assembled in front of Bauhaus and Joy Division records. I think this will be my life for a while.