Vegan Baby: Weeks Three-Four. "Home Life"

  Well, we're home. The day we waited for did arrive, and after a mere nineteen days in the NICU. Those nineteen days felt like a gazillion.

  Before, I lived in a blur of pumping, driving, and supervised kangaroo care. Now, I live in the blur of real life parenthood. In this world, one doesn't sleep or know what time it is or take showers before three pm. I feel like I wear the same oversized shirt--touting the fun of forbidden books--and leggings with holes in the seams that I think may be growing larger. Who knows and who cares? I wonder if I'll ever wear fashionable clothes or mascara again. Maybe. One day.

  The above paragraph may look like a complaint--no, I'm just stating the facts. Parenthood/motherhood is not an easy feat, but that's okay--it's also completely and wonderfully amazing. Take today, for example. I found success in wrapping Tallulah in the Moby, without the struggle I was having before. Something so simple became something so profound. I guess that's what motherhood is like? That's my newbie guess.

  This post is supposed to document last week and the beginning of this week (where Tallulah turns four weeks old!). I can't organize things well in my mind at the moment (again, that's what motherhood aka four hours of sleep divided into restless chunks will do). But, here are some bullet points.

Week Three:

• Pandora and Gustav met their sister, finally! I couldn't wait to get the most precious photos of them with her. I did get those, but I also got a more aloof Pandora and a Gustav who has another reason to bark. It's all right--life has become a work in progress. 
• I am so thankful that Eric doesn't believe in outdated gender roles, i.e. he doesn't leave all baby duties for me. I also became a little more thankful of pumping--well, except at two in the morning when I had to feed and then pump--but, pumping has given Eric the opportunity to feed Tallulah, and even give me the occasional night to sleep. Although, I've now become an even lighter sleeper, always on the listen-out for distressed baby sounds. I should have relished sleep during bed rest, instead of stressing out about what needed to be done. 
• I can no longer keep track of time. I'll pass by a clock, note the time, do baby stuff, maybe get a quick snack--and it's suddenly two hours later. How does that happen? And how have I still not taken a shower?
• I need to accept the advice of sleep when baby does and stop trying to be your former self at full force, for now. Honestly, I sometimes panic that I'll never get to work on my novel. That I'll never want to. What about my MFA applications--what if I wait one more year? There goes my mind again--Tallulah's eyes are shut, and mine probably should be, too. 
• Tallulah had her first pediatrician appointment. They, too, want her breastmilk fortified with milk-based formula and want her taking some generic, nasty vitamin. Now, this pediatrician was found through searching natural databases. Then why do they still push all this GMO-filled, chemically based crap? And it's impossible to get a completely straight answer. They basically say that we are able to choose our own path, but then scare you with the "necessity" of these things. I tried to research other vegan preemies--but couldn't find any information. Luckily,  friend of mine had her daughter at 32 weeks also. She has been a great resource!

    We are barely in Week Four, so I don't even know what the bullet points of this week would be. This week's focus is teaching Tallulah the difference between night and day--one way we have been doing this is with daily walks. It's nice to feel fresh air again and I even feel moments of inspiration. I can't wait to write again, to have the motivation to write again. Maybe I should just force myself to do it--I mean, I can work the Moby now. I should be able to do anything.

 

  See you in Week Five, where I hear the "real" smiles start happening.