Life With a Vegan Baby: Changing up the Blog Look

  I started this blog when I was pregnant. My whole existence ran on weeks. Each week brought a new sensation and new developments within my body. E-mails flooded my inbox from baby sites, telling me what the womb was like for my growing fetus. It made sense that this blog, the journey of my vegan pregnancy, would be written in weeks.

  Baby-life runs in weeks at first. Especially preemie baby-life. With them, even days are drastically different. Each day at the NICU alters the timeline of when they come home. They come home, and you still function day by day. A week is a victory.

  My blog transitioned into life with my vegan baby, leaving the pregnancy aspect. I kept the weekly format; it still made sense, and I had a baby content to sleep long stretches in the Moby. And I didn't have to go to work. Everything changed when maternity leave ended. I had to simultaneously be a mother, a writer, a retail employee, an individual--and, a blogger. Mother always trumps all, obviously. The blog suffered. I tried to cram an entire months into one post--that was the only way I could manage that particular task.

  I don't think it's working anymore, if it ever did.

  So, I want to do frequent updates--once a week? Tallulah is having several experiences that warrant their own posts. She's much more aware and preparing to enter the world of solids--both of which mean she will be more involved in the vegan world. I feel like I'm more of vegan parent now, rather than your average sleep-deprived new mother. It's an exciting time, for sure.

For the last time, here's a quick run-down of an entire month. Condensed and brief:

April 2015: Life With A Vegan Baby

  On April 1st, we took a baby wearing barre class at our local Blooma. I knew I wasn't in the best shape--but, geez, I was worse off than I realized! Tallulah loved it, especially when the mothers did push ups over their wiggling babies. She loves the face-is-far-then-it's-close game. We haven't done it since, but I have contemplated getting a pass of some sort. Blooma is a great place--tons of classes and mom-resources. Plus, they are super close to Vegan Vee. If you live in Nashville and haven't gone, you need to. They make treats that are both vegan and gluten-free. Vegan treats are usually delicious (sugar is sugar, after all)--I'm impressed with the gluten-free aspect. Their baked goods are ridiculously soft. A big rarity for anything gluten-free.

  Every bunny's favorite holiday was in April. Some call it Easter, some call is Ostara. Both are centered around eggs and bunnies. We still have a few years to veganize the "egg" dyeing process, but Tallulah still had a very festive holiday. Her play-mat became jeweled in bunny ears, stuffed bunnies of all sizes, books on chicks and rabbits, and a plushy duck. These holiday gifts were the first ones she really seemed interested in. She took adorable photos at Christmas, but was still pretty glazed over. Now she rolls around wearing her ears and reaching for a bunny.

  Speaking of which--did she first roll over in April? Or March? This is exactly why I need to post more frequently. She's a rolling champion now. Even if she still loathes tummy time for the most part. I think that's why she first learned to roll, to be on her back again.

  I mentioned a writing project in prior posts. It's a project that combines my favorite identities--vegan, mother, and writer. I've been working on it and letting it percolate into something real. It has turned into a collaboration with my fabulous cousin, Becky. She is the founder/owner of One Lane Road, a screen printing business. She's taught at workshops and retreats, too. I would love to give more details, but you'll have to wait for that.

  I experienced a loss in April. Brandy, my grandparents' cat, passed away. Tallulah was supposed to meet her on the California trip we have planned for summer. I lived with my grandparents when Pandora and I came together at the pound. Pandora was picked up at the vet, after being spayed, and taken back there with me. Brandy sat right by the cat carrier, waiting for her new friend. Pandora doesn't care for other cats. She came out, her back arched and baring her tiny teeth. Later that evening, she trapped Brandy in a motorized litter box. Brandy didn't get the friend she hoped for, not in Pandora anyway. I'm heartbroken that I wasn't able to say good-bye to her.

There it is. The last crammed post. I'm excited for the new format. I hope you are, too.

Life With A Vegan Baby: March 2015

  March started off cold. Single digits, frozen telephone wires, and work actually being cancelled. It was also the time we had our first repeat family visit, from my grandparents. They had the joy of seeing this new Tallulah that doesn't just sleep in a swing all day. Lucky them!

  The second half of March was completely different. Spring, days where Tallulah went from wearing several layers to being able to just wear a onesie. We purchased our first baby sunscreen and sunhat. You know, life with a baby is much how March was. It doesn't take long for things to have evolved into something completely different from the starting point. One day Tallulah sleeps and sleeps and gives an ephemeral smile that you cant discern as gas or happiness, and then suddenly she's carrying a conversation with you. With the correct pauses and everything, even if her language is slightly incoherent.

  We are in a new cycle of life with baby. One where the real parenting, and not just caregiving, begins. I'm stoked!

Baby-life:
  Tallulah had a great time with her great-grandparents. She was happy to show them her roller coaster emotions and loved ordering them to carry her around. She debuted a new self at restaurants. Eric and I don't go out to eat with Tallulah very often, so we hadn't realized that her restaurant demeanor had changed. The old Tallulah would just sit, or sleep, in her carseat while everyone around her ate at a leisurely pace. The new Tallulah isn't having it. She doesn't want to sit in the carseat and she certainly doesn't want to wait for everyone. I had brought my cover to try and feed her while we were out. It can still be super awkward, and doesn't always work out as I hoped. Babies do get angry over silly things.

  One "real-baby" situation we've been cycling in and out of is teething. When she had her tongue-tie revised, the nurse noticed her excessive drooling. The first sign of teething, she said. Tallulah acquired several more signs. Not always wanting to lay on her side to nurse, unexplained fussiness, and the latest one is her sucking on her lip and doing a pseudo-chewing motion. She's developing so quickly all of a sudden. It's really hard to keep up. She's laughed on a few occasions. One day things are hilarious, and the next they're a dud. She smiles all the time and laughs sometimes. I have a feeling the laughter will take over soon.

  Her biggest developmental milestone in March was rolling over. Usually tummy-time is her just her lying there looking miserable. She isn't supposed to lay on her back too often, especially as she has a prominent flat spot on the back of her head. Now, tummy-time still isn't her favorite, but at least she'll lift up on her arms and look around before getting upset.

Her head-shape is something that sits in my mind and presents more problematic decisions. Her first pediatrician said she needed a helmet; the second pediatrician felt we were leaning in that direction but wasn't certain. She suggested craniosacral massage. We did meet with the helmet-doctors. The image broke my heart, thinking about her with this giant, awkward contraption stuck on her precious head. When they called with the news about the cost of the helmet being out of pocket, I was shocked. Nearly $3000. There was a recent British study saying that the helmets don't even really help and actually hurt babies' heads. Ugh--there is no obvious right answer. She did have craniosacral massage with a wonderful masseuse/nurse--and it looked like it helped right after. But her head is still pretty misshapen from a bird's eye view. A decision on the helmet will need to be made around the time she's six months adjusted, around May.

Tallulah has another (mild) advancement that is probably my favorite, her sudden awareness of her furry siblings. Pandora has been the recipient of many baby slaps and grabs. She's taken them all, not happily, but without any bites or scratches. I've been teaching Tallulah gentle, but I know she doesn't register it just yet. Never too early to start! Gustav has been a superstar in his interactions as well. To begin with, he continues to be pretty indifferent with her (now the toys are another story)--but that may be the best way for him to be. When he is really focused on something, he has a tendency to be too excitable and it becomes more challenging to keep him well-behaved.

  At the end of March, Tallulah had her six month birthday. It blows my mind that half a year has already gone by. I'm sure the next six months will go by just as quickly, with her swift, daily metamorphosis not skipping a beat.

Mom-life:
  While Tallulah became a quintessential, interactive baby, I started to become a person again--not just someone with the biology of a human, running on autopilot with the days blurring into each other. Granted, the days are still a bit blurry, but I am able to function more. It will always be taxing with a little baby to get household tasks done, going to work, and trying to fit in writing time--but, it's becoming a little easier. Like the other day, when I folded Tallulah's clothes and she was content to sit in her chair and examine her toys. Before, those things wouldn't have interested her and I'd be relying on spontaneous naps to get things done. Well, now her naps are a little more predictable too--and I'm not always tired enough to be sleeping during these times. Although, many times I am--and napping with Tallulah just creates more bonding time.

  Life is a constant balance, between many worlds and my many selves. Pandora's regimen has increased to include fluids (on top of B12 shots, probiotics, nausea pills). Not only does that add another task to an endless list--but, have you ever tried to give cats fluids? I have been successful in getting her to take them a few times by myself, but it usually requires another person and we are always alternating needle sizes. Sometimes she wants fast and sometimes she wants a smaller needle. I never thought I could do these things, but anyone who knows me knows I would do anything for my Pandora cat.

  My writer life gained another success. In January, I was told I would have another story published. It was published in March, on 100 Word Story. The writing side of my life has been working on another development, one that will blend my three main identities: animal activist, mother, and writer. I'm super excited to debut that project!

March brought Spring, which brought some much needed sunshine, which brought some outdoor walks for Tallulah and I. Eventually, I will reclaim my physical self. Eventually.

Vegan-life:

  Nothing too earth shattering happened in the vegan world this month. Just the usual, not exploiting animals, you know.

  The biggest highlight may have been when my grandparents were here. There was an ice storm and we had to stay inside most of the time. I made them a vegan quiche that I had been perfecting--and, they loved it. They are my hardest to convince sometimes.

  Of course, there is this project I keep mentioning. I should have more information on that soon.

  See you at the end of April!

Life With A Vegan Baby: February 2015

  February was cold in Nashville. That may seem irrelevant to life with a vegan baby, but the cold really influences so many variables. Cold weather coincides with cold and flu season--poor Tallulah had an intense cold in January, that couldn't be shaken through a lot of February as well.



  Cold weather means specific clothing and restricted time indoors. It means mothers never losing their baby weight and babies breathing a lot of indoor air. It means a lot of comfort food. It means the city shutting down for icy roads and incompetent snow-drivers.


 It means we are ready for Spring.

 Here's how we spent our February:

Baby-life:

  Tallulah saw a different doctor in February, the doctor I had been wanting to see originally--but, because she's technically a nurse practitioner, preemies gotta go to an "official" pediatrician first. Our pediatrician was nice enough, but completely against everything we believed in. His solution for her weight gain issues after I went to work was formula--even though she gained weight perfectly fine when I was home and didn't like bottles anymore. How would formula solve that? He also ignored her tongue tie, even though it affected the efficiency of her nursing. It was definitely refreshing to go with our original choice. She does support my maternal decisions and offered a lot of advice that made sense. After seeing her, we were advised to get some probiotics and D3 into her system. As many fellow vegans know, D3 isn't typically a non-animal source and all children's D3 I found was from lanolin. Supposedly, if a mother takes in 8000IUs, that is enough to ensure baby gets enough. I'm currently taking Garden of Life's MyKind Organics D3. It has an odd taste that I'm just now getting used to.

 Tallulah's weight has been such a focal point of our baby journey. I wonder if it would be this way if she had been born full term? We were having several appointments there for a while, with her cold and frequent well-checks, so we were able to be on top of weight. The appointments became fewer, so I bought a scale off of Amazon. It is such a relief to see exactly how much she takes in and to keep a close eye on her weight. Conversely, it is heartbreaking to see her gain when I am home and see it stagnant or slow on the days where I am at work.

  February 12th was Tallulah's adjusted third month birthday. From the reading I had done, that meant she was ready for the beginnings of a schedule. I didn't know how to go about that. I would lay her in her crib for a nap (she still sleeps in her bassinet/with me at night) and she would just cry. One day, I went to pick her up after work and found her soundly napping on her babysitter's bed. Just. Like. That. I noticed the room was pretty dark, so at home I started closing her curtains. And she took a real nap. Too easy, you know?

  One issue that Tallulah has had since birth was her tongue tie. Our original pediatrician disregarded it, but the hospital's lactation consultant and other nursing aficionados agreed that it could affect nursing, especially as she was older and trying to match my supply to her increasing demands. Getting the revision was a process. Several appointments cancelled due to misinformation and illness, but we finally had it done on February 19. The process was traumatizing. Watching Tallulah go through anything unpleasant is awful. The aftermath was even worse. She cried for two days and went on another mini food strike. Her second strike. I worried that I had made the wrong decision. I contacted a lactation consultant and gave her pain meds (both the conventional and the holistic). Plus, we did skin-to-skin with the moby for the entire day following the procedure. A few days later she was back to normal. Although, she is in the early stages of teething which creates more unpredictable nursing moments. And confusing baby communication. Sucking on hands can now be hunger or gum tenderness. Just when you think you have it down...

  The end of February sees Tallulah anticipating a Round Two visit from her great-grandparents.



Mom-life:

  Mom-life can be challenging. Duh. I struggle to find writing time and to fit into anything halfway decent. My firstborn furry-baby's medical needs are increasing. I started writing a medical schedule in my phone just to keep track of the fluids and injections. Mom-brain is no joke, especially with so much going on. But, I love my babies and their well-being is top priority.

 
   Early in the month, Tallulah and I went walking with a mom and baby from our childbirth class. It was great. Intellectual conversation and maybe burning something off. I cannot wait for some warmer weather. I haven't been able to walk Gustav in so long, because I can't take Tallulah with me. That will change shortly. To jump start my road to feeling like a human again, I got my hair cut. I wish it was colored too. I haven't had natural hair since I was eleven, and, honestly, I'm not a fan. Becoming a mom doesn't mean losing yourself. Tallulah wouldn't want that.

 Writing still seems to be on the back burner. I have this fabulous writing room that I rarely get to use. I have placed Tallulah on her play-mat, but that doesn't last too long. Besides, I like to be as engaged with her as possible when she is awake. My main writing time is during her morning nap, while I'm pumping. Fifteen minutes is fifteen minutes!






Vegan-life:

  I wish I could say we protested and made elaborate meals during February. I try to cook on my days off, but it can still be challenging to squeeze in food preparation between lengthy feedings. Wearing Tallulah is sometimes an option, although I think she is starting to get annoyed with the same settings. We're still eating a lot of quick meals and Vega smoothies.

  We did begin the teachings of a vegan lifestyle. Our friend, Rae, gave us Ruby Roth's This is Why We Don't Eat Animals. (By the way, you can check out Rae's blog at Say it Ain't So. It's a gem!) I loved reading it to Tallulah. I am so curious and excited for when she can really interact and learn why we live this lifestyle. And, again, she is her own person and may choose to live how she wants--but, we will live this way for her childhood (much like others do with religion/morals/values they have). I have a hard time imagining her living another way, but I guess anything is possible.

  Speaking of books, Tennessee has this AMAZING program where they give native Tennesseean children a book every month until they are five. Do you know who runs/started this program? The fabulous Dolly Parton. Double points of amazingness. Anyway, I've noticed that several of these books are accidentally vegan (like Oreos, ha!) One book discusses our Farm FRIENDS and the other has Forest FRIENDS. And the latest one is Goodnight, Gorilla, where Gorilla releases all his animal buddies from their cages at the zoo. Isn't is strange that children's literature teaches us that animals are our friends? Disney does this, too. McDonalds and other fast food places disguise these same friends as nuggets. Children culture is an interesting paradox.  The other day, I saw a video online of a child questioning the consumption of an octopus. When his mom told him he ate chickens--after a long discussion about eating this octopus--the child freaked out and exclaimed, "I would never eat chickens!" I'll leave this February post at that. Think about it.

*This stage is awesome. There's no better adjective to describe what it's like watching a baby becoming a developing person that now participates in the world.

Life with A Vegan Baby: January 2015

    2015 began with us still getting used to balancing the trinity of baby, work, self. The challenge of full-time work and even fuller-time mom did lead to a debilitating cold. I missed several days of work, and I had just come back! I realized that I would need to rework this balance and ended up being granted the department I had coveted since working for my company. Of course the ideal would be to just write and be a mom, but in the world of corporate retail, I did pretty well. No more ringing up dead animals; I get to work in the most cerebral of natural foods retail. Plus, I have a more predictable schedule and am now only working four days a week. More time to mom and rest! Score!

    Now to fill everyone in on our life during the month of January:

BABY:

    Tallulah had her first playdate in January, with a little boy named Max. Max was born nine days after Tallulah, so it was interesting to see how she compared to baby's near her actual age. She was much smaller than Max, but showed an increased awareness. They were absolutely adorable together. Plus, it was nice to talk about mom stuff, too. It's funny, friendships used to be formed on bands and books and clothing tastes, now I'm finding a whole new group of friends based on our common state of motherhood. Although, the other stuff is still super important. Who says Joy Division and mastitis can't coexist in the same sentence?

    We began attending a breastfeeding support group in January, called Weigh to Go. They weigh the babies before and after feeding, while offering tips, advice, and just general mom-to-mom conversation. The first time we went, Tallulah ate six and a half ounces--a gigantic amount for a tiny baby. Well, it was too gigantic. She threw up all over one of the lactation consultants and the room. Tallulah had been having a lot of issues with spit-up/throwing up. After that day, I could almost certainly deduce that it's from eating beyond her means.

    The group was great for knowing weight and food intake, but also to really immerse myself in a nursing community. It's a foreign world to me and it was nice to hear that from other moms, while also hearing the experiences of repeat mothers. Plus, I was able to lose some of my insecurities about feeding Tallulah outside of the comforts of the chair and Boppy.

    Feeding was a big theme for January. Tallulah's weight gain slowed considerably, which made me doubt both my skills as a breastfeeding mother and my decision to not supplement with formula. I obsessed over the months and actions and tracked down her feeding lengths and the intricate details of each changed diaper. I arrived to the conclusion that it was my leaving her for work that seemed to be the culprit. And her sudden aversion to bottles, which wasn't helped by me being gone for eight hour shifts. She would sometimes refuse the bottle nearly the entire time I was at work, resulting in frustration and concern for Eric, and a huge amount of helpless stress for me. Our pediatrician wasn't too helpful, only pushing formula. That solution seemed asinine to me--if she won't take a bottle how does forcing formula sound like a feasible solution? We started to track down new doctors. The lactation consultants also thought her tongue tie was to blame for the slow weight gain. We have made a few appointments to have that revised, and something keeps coming up. Hopefully by next month we will have addressed that. As for the bottles, we are at a point to where sometimes she takes them and sometimes she won't. I just have to know that when I'm here, I am to be constantly available. She never denies food from the direct source, even if she does pause during feedings to "talk" and smile.

    Tallulah has really become an animated baby, with giant, contagious smiles and a language all her own. This is a super fun baby stage!

MOTHER-SELF:

    Once work started back, my writer-self seemed to dwindle. I missed my own writing group in December and missed one in January. I was going to take Tallulah with me, but, as every parent knows, babies don't always follow plans. I used to write with Tallulah in the Moby, or during one of her many naps. Well, she's become a more aware, lively being--which means less naps and more interactions. I love being mom, but I do miss writing. Especially when I feel so inspired. I have learned to balance my motherhood with my writerhood as best I can--and that may mean writing time is restricted to thoughts, fifteen minutes during a pump session, or a few sentences sputtered out in a moment of blinding exhaustion. In a few weeks, I was going to try to lead Tallulah in more of a schedule with naps. That stage should mean I can arrange for some solid writer time.

   My writer-self hasn't entirely disintegrated. I was notified of a second publication, which should be happening in the very near future. It was a much needed motivator, and reminder that I still exist as that self.

    Another thing I miss is fitting into my clothes. I am eagerly waiting for spring and a chance to get Tallulah and I outdoors. My appetite has increased and because I'm nursing I don't want to go crazy with cutting calories. I know my diet has been too processed and erratic--that's what sleep deprivation and chaos will do.

    With all of these thoughts and worries, I try not to stress too much. There will always be time to write and prepare greens and lose weight. There won't always be time to bond with Tallulah as she is at this moment.

VEGAN:

  When reading this blog, you may forget that the whole point is: it's a vegan blog. Well, vegan babies don't differ too much from non-vegan babies. They all eat the same thing, and ethics and politics aren't exactly at the forefront of tummy time.

   Tallulah was able to be a "real" vegan baby in January, when the circus came to town. Ever since living in Nashville I have protested Ringling Brothers every January. (Side note: Nashville is so great for making causes and arts accessible. I feel like I missed a lot of opportunity for these things in LA due to traffic and the welter of "stuff"). This protest was special. Tallulah had her first moment as an activist, passing out coloring books to children to educate them. She slept through the entire protest, but the experience was really beautiful. AND she wasn't the only baby there. I love vegan families and children. I wish I had discovered this lifestyle as a child!

   I mentioned food and tight clothes in the mother-self section--well, here it is in the vegan portion. As my former posts and instagram photos will show, I love cooking. I especially love cooking from whole, healthy ingredients. I didn't start off as a healthy vegan (Oreos, cereal, and french fries were my original staples--hey, I was only eighteen). Health is incredibly important to me now--and I need to set an example to Tallulah. I have been ensuring to have more vegetables and brought back the Vega smoothie. I still make sure to make my raw-protein-coconut bars. I am diligent about my vitamins (Garden of Life's Mykind are my current favorites).

   The path to normalcy isn't immediate, and that's okay. Bonding with a baby is important. Sleeping when possible is necessary. The other stuff will happen. Maybe not tomorrow, but it will happen. Until then, I have some cooing to interpret.

Life with a Vegan Baby: December 2014

  I realized pretty quickly into my life as a working mother that two-week blog updates were going to be super challenging. I mean, I can't even tell how many weeks old Tallulah is anymore because it is really starting to fly by. I think I can keep up with months. And organized updates. I think.

Baby:
  December included a visit from Tallulah's paternal grandpa and her first Christmas. She also met Santa Claus and opened a slew of gifts. Her ability to smile really began to flourish in this month--conveniently, she even smiled during the unwrapping of gifts.
December meant our first extended separation when I went back to work. To ease the transition I would leave her with a nursing pad saturated with my breast milk. I don't know exactly how she felt about our separation, but I know I hated it.

  Tallulah really seemed to become aware during December, like a "real" baby. It's beautiful watching her absorb her world, from looking at pictures of Jean Harlow to examining my own face. There is so much we take for granted as adults, and I absolutely love watching her take it all in.

  On December 24th, she was half an ounce shy of nine pounds. That may not seem like much, but that is nearly triple what she was at birth.

  A lot of my blog focused on the struggle to breastfeed. That all seems so long ago now. In fact, if I am around she would stare at me and not suck on a bottle. She has decided on a preference, so I'd say we are now a successful breastfeeding duo. It was a sometimes grueling odyssey to get to that point!
Unfortunately, that preference does pose some new issues. Such as her not wanting to take full bottles when I'm at work. She does still need to gain quickly--and holding out waiting for mom may not help to reach that goal.

  December brought us reflux/gushing baby vomit. She's never been great at burping, but she had usually been pretty great at eating. Sometimes really fast. It had never been too much of a problem, until she starting sucking feverishly and losing her food all over me, the floor, and the rocking chair. It seems to happen once a day and is signaled when she starts to become incredibly fussy and eating with a newfound intensity. When I see these signs, I try to slow her down and prop her on my shoulder for a few minutes. Sometimes that works. And sometimes I have a lot of unexpected laundry. From what I've read, reflux usually resolves itself--and in non-vegans is sometimes attributed to dairy intake by the mother. Obviously, that's not an issue with me. Tallulah's premature birth might have resulted in an underdeveloped digestive system, though.

Vegan:
  It seems that since Tallulah was born that the focus came off of veganism with this blog. This is probably due to the fact that she doesn't eat solids, hasn't been faced with animal exploitation, and baby clothes are usually made from cotton. That being said, I still eat, wear, and live--and am constantly setting the example for a vegan lifestyle for, even if we don't specifically talk about it just yet. It remains a huge part of who I am, and the life I lead for my family.

  2014 was a shining year for vegan products. I first became vegan in 2001, and, let me tell you, the highlight of a vegan diet back then was chocolate soy milk. Times have really changed since then. I've seen so many amazing products come into the vegan world. Two of which came into my life in December: Chao vegan cheese and So Delicious Coco Whip. The first really is a stellar product. Daiya is a cheese that changed the game for most vegans, giving us access to macaroni and cheese and pizza that was pretty close to our former lives. I have made my own vegan chèvre, that is also quite delicious. Still, this Chao cheese is high-end deli cheese--like some fancy gouda. It can be eaten alone, on a sandwich, melted over portobello burgers--it's amazing in all form. The second product was a lifesaver. Sure, vegan whipped cream already existed--in the most difficult-to-get-out container. Finally, vegan whipped cream that's accessible. And super good!

 Pregnancy and newborn baby did reunite me with all the processed stuff. Who has time to cook from the barest of ingredients? Well, I do care about my health and would like to eventually feel halfway decent looking again--so, I need to get back to those whole food ingredients. The simplest way I have found is by having a lot of fruit in the house, green smoothies (sometimes made in bulk for the next couple of days and packed with flax seeds, goji powder, and pea protein), and my homemade raw bars. The bars are really easy--just equal parts dates and cashews and whatever you feel like throwing in. I like to add coconut oil, coconut flour, cinnamon, protein powder, and spirulina.

  Lastly, I have merged worlds with my writing and the vegan world. I can't say too much about that, but please do stay tuned!

  Mom-Self:
  This is a section that really should be important for all moms. It's so easy to get lost in feedings, soothing, and worrying about every single facet of babyhood. It's also too easy to forget about ourselves as individuals. Put-together individuals with our own aspirations, thoughts, and feelings. I tried to fit in my writer-self during maternity leave, and I was fortunate to get my first publication out of it. Now that I'm at work, that is much more difficult--but if I can cram a single paragraph into my day, that is success, too. I did end up applying to MFA programs, because I both want to set an example for Tallulah while paving out a better, more fulfilled future for myself as well. It's little steps for now.

  The other day I looked in the mirror and was taken aback. Then I went to try on clothes because most of my old stuff doesn't fit. I get that I won't fit into old shirts until I'm done breastfeeding, but I was pretty depressed after trying stuff on. The sizes I was fitting into are sizes I refuse to buy. Winter isn't very conducive to outside exercising and I'm sure nursing for several hours while watching TV doesn't help either. I don't want to be drastic in weight loss, because I am nursing--but I want to feel not-hideous. Is that too much to ask?

 During pregnancy I didn't dye my hair out of fear from the chemicals. Now I have this accidental ombre disaster. My eyebrows are in disarray. I need to schedule some sort of beauty thing ASAP--maybe try out a new hair color? Anything. Seriously.


At the end of December, Tiny Tallulah was in her thirteenth week--and thriving!

Vegan Baby: Weeks Twelve and Thirteen

Maternity leave is over. My hair seems to be leaving my head in clumps, either clinging to my hair brush or coiled around the tiny fingers of my baby. The times are changing, for sure.

Going back to work has been an adjustment. Obviously. On one hand, it is nice to interact with adults and be forced to actually look presentable. It's even kinda nice to have some sort of schedule to the day. Although, I would drop those benefits in an instant to be able to spend the time with Tallulah. Again, pretty obvious.

Returning to work means altering my life as a breastfeeding mom. It means a return to pumping. I had finally dropped most of those pump sessions and now I have to add them back in. If I work an earlier shift, it means waking up for the day when Tallulah is only waking up for an evening feed. It means sometimes getting up at 3:30 or four in the morning. It means an extremely exhausted mommy. My breaks consist of being in either someone else's office, or a tiny room closet-like room, hooked up to that dreaded machine. I really loathe pumping. It's definitely easier to be glued to a baby. At least there aren't a million parts to clean when she is nursing.

Work life has forced a lot of organization on my part. Do you know how challenging being organized is on minimal sleep? I do, now. I think this is where lists come in handy.

The last few days of my maternity leave brought a surprise for the non-mom me--I had my first publication. Twisted mini-tales of pregnancy and birth--kinda funny, considering they were written while I was goo-goo eyed for little Tallulah. I also worked on a side project during my leave that I hope I can reveal soon! It's a writing project that steers away from my usual literary realm. Stay tuned!

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Before Tallulah was born everyone voiced their concerns on how Gustav would act around her. Honestly, with some of his behavioral issues--I was a little concerned. We already have to keep him and Pandora separate. I was imagining even more barriers and gates and maneuvering to love all the babies. Gustav proved all worries wrong. He's not even that interested in Tallulah. He'll sniff and lick her, before going on his way. Pandora is another story. Remember, Pandora was my only baby and best friend for a while. She was here before Eric, Gustav...and Tallulah. She has really been struggling lately. I don't know if she realized how much time this baby would consume; she knows now. Pandora copes in her cat ways--by just trying to walk on Tallulah or shove her out of the way. I've been extremely conscientious about making sure Pandora feels extra love--but it is challenging when slogging through sleep deprivation and breastfeeding inertia. Soon, Pandora will get her longer quality time again. I hope she can be just a little more patient!

During pregnancy I became reacquainted with the processed vegan foods. Not a proud moment, but when I had aversions to so many things those items were a blessing. Now, with motherhood I want so desperately to take the easy route and fall on those items again. And sometimes I do, but I've really been trying to focus on things that are easy and make a lot of servings, while being full of nutrients. Sometimes it's green smoothies, other times soups. Both things are basically just throw in a bunch of veggies and eat. Christmas I'll be cooking more, even though it's much more tailored down than normal.

Tallulah is now considered six weeks adjusted and I swear she has smiled at me a couple of times. I feel like she is such a "real" baby now. I love it and am thankful for her everyday. She's the best Christmas gift.

Vegan Baby: Weeks Ten and Eleven

This journey is constantly evolving. Our next move is me returning to work, which is happening in five days. I don't want to believe it, even as I miss being a member of adult society. I'm sure I'll get over that quick.

It still feels so soon. Tallulah's preemie status has her being much younger than her actual eleven weeks of age--her adjusted age will only be about five weeks when I go back, and who leaves a five week old baby?? Me, because I have run out of funds.

My biggest issue with returning to work is that we had just gotten into our rhythm. We are breastfeeding successfully, having one longer stretch of sleeping (after we have a marathon eating session of two or more hours, and usually including one bout of puking), and she is looking at me with this new awareness. She knows me. I don't want to leave those watchful eyes.

When I was pregnant, I had this whole idyllic image of maternity leave. In my vision, I was writing with ease while flitting around performing my motherly duties. Oh, silly me. It's a lot more chaotic than that. A beautiful chaos and I'm grateful for every moment that I was able to utilize for writing or crafting or sleeping. I don't expect anything for when I'm balancing my mother-self with my writer-self with my working-self. It will be a challenge that I'll take as it comes.

The other big theme of this time is Tallulah's first Christmas. We picked up her first tree and met with Mr. Claus. She was able to wear her super cute little Ms. Claus outfit.

During the tenth week, Tallulah had to make a visit to the doctor for clogged tear ducts. Apparently, it is a super common baby problem--much like her umbilical hernia. At that visit we found out that Tallulah weighed 8 pounds 5 ounces. Her growth is slowly down a bit, but still right on track. We are dropping almost all bottles (except at night when she has her vitamins).

Preemies are expected to hit their milestones according to their due-date age. One milestone that I am eagerly anticipating is a "real" smile. There are several times where she looks right and me and flashes her gums, but since it isn't constant I'm still thinking those are adorable reflexes. Tallulah can, however, hold her head up when I'm holding her--especially when she's hungry.

We closed out our maternity leave and Tallulah's eleventh week with a visit from her Grandpa Bob, Eric's dad. He brought his fancy camera to take some stellar photos and helped Eric fix up things around the house.

I feel like this update read very list-like. I can imagine that once I am working, the posts will be less conversation and more straight-to-the-facts.

We'll see in week twelve.