Life with A Vegan Baby: January 2015

    2015 began with us still getting used to balancing the trinity of baby, work, self. The challenge of full-time work and even fuller-time mom did lead to a debilitating cold. I missed several days of work, and I had just come back! I realized that I would need to rework this balance and ended up being granted the department I had coveted since working for my company. Of course the ideal would be to just write and be a mom, but in the world of corporate retail, I did pretty well. No more ringing up dead animals; I get to work in the most cerebral of natural foods retail. Plus, I have a more predictable schedule and am now only working four days a week. More time to mom and rest! Score!

    Now to fill everyone in on our life during the month of January:

BABY:

    Tallulah had her first playdate in January, with a little boy named Max. Max was born nine days after Tallulah, so it was interesting to see how she compared to baby's near her actual age. She was much smaller than Max, but showed an increased awareness. They were absolutely adorable together. Plus, it was nice to talk about mom stuff, too. It's funny, friendships used to be formed on bands and books and clothing tastes, now I'm finding a whole new group of friends based on our common state of motherhood. Although, the other stuff is still super important. Who says Joy Division and mastitis can't coexist in the same sentence?

    We began attending a breastfeeding support group in January, called Weigh to Go. They weigh the babies before and after feeding, while offering tips, advice, and just general mom-to-mom conversation. The first time we went, Tallulah ate six and a half ounces--a gigantic amount for a tiny baby. Well, it was too gigantic. She threw up all over one of the lactation consultants and the room. Tallulah had been having a lot of issues with spit-up/throwing up. After that day, I could almost certainly deduce that it's from eating beyond her means.

    The group was great for knowing weight and food intake, but also to really immerse myself in a nursing community. It's a foreign world to me and it was nice to hear that from other moms, while also hearing the experiences of repeat mothers. Plus, I was able to lose some of my insecurities about feeding Tallulah outside of the comforts of the chair and Boppy.

    Feeding was a big theme for January. Tallulah's weight gain slowed considerably, which made me doubt both my skills as a breastfeeding mother and my decision to not supplement with formula. I obsessed over the months and actions and tracked down her feeding lengths and the intricate details of each changed diaper. I arrived to the conclusion that it was my leaving her for work that seemed to be the culprit. And her sudden aversion to bottles, which wasn't helped by me being gone for eight hour shifts. She would sometimes refuse the bottle nearly the entire time I was at work, resulting in frustration and concern for Eric, and a huge amount of helpless stress for me. Our pediatrician wasn't too helpful, only pushing formula. That solution seemed asinine to me--if she won't take a bottle how does forcing formula sound like a feasible solution? We started to track down new doctors. The lactation consultants also thought her tongue tie was to blame for the slow weight gain. We have made a few appointments to have that revised, and something keeps coming up. Hopefully by next month we will have addressed that. As for the bottles, we are at a point to where sometimes she takes them and sometimes she won't. I just have to know that when I'm here, I am to be constantly available. She never denies food from the direct source, even if she does pause during feedings to "talk" and smile.

    Tallulah has really become an animated baby, with giant, contagious smiles and a language all her own. This is a super fun baby stage!

MOTHER-SELF:

    Once work started back, my writer-self seemed to dwindle. I missed my own writing group in December and missed one in January. I was going to take Tallulah with me, but, as every parent knows, babies don't always follow plans. I used to write with Tallulah in the Moby, or during one of her many naps. Well, she's become a more aware, lively being--which means less naps and more interactions. I love being mom, but I do miss writing. Especially when I feel so inspired. I have learned to balance my motherhood with my writerhood as best I can--and that may mean writing time is restricted to thoughts, fifteen minutes during a pump session, or a few sentences sputtered out in a moment of blinding exhaustion. In a few weeks, I was going to try to lead Tallulah in more of a schedule with naps. That stage should mean I can arrange for some solid writer time.

   My writer-self hasn't entirely disintegrated. I was notified of a second publication, which should be happening in the very near future. It was a much needed motivator, and reminder that I still exist as that self.

    Another thing I miss is fitting into my clothes. I am eagerly waiting for spring and a chance to get Tallulah and I outdoors. My appetite has increased and because I'm nursing I don't want to go crazy with cutting calories. I know my diet has been too processed and erratic--that's what sleep deprivation and chaos will do.

    With all of these thoughts and worries, I try not to stress too much. There will always be time to write and prepare greens and lose weight. There won't always be time to bond with Tallulah as she is at this moment.

VEGAN:

  When reading this blog, you may forget that the whole point is: it's a vegan blog. Well, vegan babies don't differ too much from non-vegan babies. They all eat the same thing, and ethics and politics aren't exactly at the forefront of tummy time.

   Tallulah was able to be a "real" vegan baby in January, when the circus came to town. Ever since living in Nashville I have protested Ringling Brothers every January. (Side note: Nashville is so great for making causes and arts accessible. I feel like I missed a lot of opportunity for these things in LA due to traffic and the welter of "stuff"). This protest was special. Tallulah had her first moment as an activist, passing out coloring books to children to educate them. She slept through the entire protest, but the experience was really beautiful. AND she wasn't the only baby there. I love vegan families and children. I wish I had discovered this lifestyle as a child!

   I mentioned food and tight clothes in the mother-self section--well, here it is in the vegan portion. As my former posts and instagram photos will show, I love cooking. I especially love cooking from whole, healthy ingredients. I didn't start off as a healthy vegan (Oreos, cereal, and french fries were my original staples--hey, I was only eighteen). Health is incredibly important to me now--and I need to set an example to Tallulah. I have been ensuring to have more vegetables and brought back the Vega smoothie. I still make sure to make my raw-protein-coconut bars. I am diligent about my vitamins (Garden of Life's Mykind are my current favorites).

   The path to normalcy isn't immediate, and that's okay. Bonding with a baby is important. Sleeping when possible is necessary. The other stuff will happen. Maybe not tomorrow, but it will happen. Until then, I have some cooing to interpret.

Life with a Vegan Baby: December 2014

  I realized pretty quickly into my life as a working mother that two-week blog updates were going to be super challenging. I mean, I can't even tell how many weeks old Tallulah is anymore because it is really starting to fly by. I think I can keep up with months. And organized updates. I think.

Baby:
  December included a visit from Tallulah's paternal grandpa and her first Christmas. She also met Santa Claus and opened a slew of gifts. Her ability to smile really began to flourish in this month--conveniently, she even smiled during the unwrapping of gifts.
December meant our first extended separation when I went back to work. To ease the transition I would leave her with a nursing pad saturated with my breast milk. I don't know exactly how she felt about our separation, but I know I hated it.

  Tallulah really seemed to become aware during December, like a "real" baby. It's beautiful watching her absorb her world, from looking at pictures of Jean Harlow to examining my own face. There is so much we take for granted as adults, and I absolutely love watching her take it all in.

  On December 24th, she was half an ounce shy of nine pounds. That may not seem like much, but that is nearly triple what she was at birth.

  A lot of my blog focused on the struggle to breastfeed. That all seems so long ago now. In fact, if I am around she would stare at me and not suck on a bottle. She has decided on a preference, so I'd say we are now a successful breastfeeding duo. It was a sometimes grueling odyssey to get to that point!
Unfortunately, that preference does pose some new issues. Such as her not wanting to take full bottles when I'm at work. She does still need to gain quickly--and holding out waiting for mom may not help to reach that goal.

  December brought us reflux/gushing baby vomit. She's never been great at burping, but she had usually been pretty great at eating. Sometimes really fast. It had never been too much of a problem, until she starting sucking feverishly and losing her food all over me, the floor, and the rocking chair. It seems to happen once a day and is signaled when she starts to become incredibly fussy and eating with a newfound intensity. When I see these signs, I try to slow her down and prop her on my shoulder for a few minutes. Sometimes that works. And sometimes I have a lot of unexpected laundry. From what I've read, reflux usually resolves itself--and in non-vegans is sometimes attributed to dairy intake by the mother. Obviously, that's not an issue with me. Tallulah's premature birth might have resulted in an underdeveloped digestive system, though.

Vegan:
  It seems that since Tallulah was born that the focus came off of veganism with this blog. This is probably due to the fact that she doesn't eat solids, hasn't been faced with animal exploitation, and baby clothes are usually made from cotton. That being said, I still eat, wear, and live--and am constantly setting the example for a vegan lifestyle for, even if we don't specifically talk about it just yet. It remains a huge part of who I am, and the life I lead for my family.

  2014 was a shining year for vegan products. I first became vegan in 2001, and, let me tell you, the highlight of a vegan diet back then was chocolate soy milk. Times have really changed since then. I've seen so many amazing products come into the vegan world. Two of which came into my life in December: Chao vegan cheese and So Delicious Coco Whip. The first really is a stellar product. Daiya is a cheese that changed the game for most vegans, giving us access to macaroni and cheese and pizza that was pretty close to our former lives. I have made my own vegan chèvre, that is also quite delicious. Still, this Chao cheese is high-end deli cheese--like some fancy gouda. It can be eaten alone, on a sandwich, melted over portobello burgers--it's amazing in all form. The second product was a lifesaver. Sure, vegan whipped cream already existed--in the most difficult-to-get-out container. Finally, vegan whipped cream that's accessible. And super good!

 Pregnancy and newborn baby did reunite me with all the processed stuff. Who has time to cook from the barest of ingredients? Well, I do care about my health and would like to eventually feel halfway decent looking again--so, I need to get back to those whole food ingredients. The simplest way I have found is by having a lot of fruit in the house, green smoothies (sometimes made in bulk for the next couple of days and packed with flax seeds, goji powder, and pea protein), and my homemade raw bars. The bars are really easy--just equal parts dates and cashews and whatever you feel like throwing in. I like to add coconut oil, coconut flour, cinnamon, protein powder, and spirulina.

  Lastly, I have merged worlds with my writing and the vegan world. I can't say too much about that, but please do stay tuned!

  Mom-Self:
  This is a section that really should be important for all moms. It's so easy to get lost in feedings, soothing, and worrying about every single facet of babyhood. It's also too easy to forget about ourselves as individuals. Put-together individuals with our own aspirations, thoughts, and feelings. I tried to fit in my writer-self during maternity leave, and I was fortunate to get my first publication out of it. Now that I'm at work, that is much more difficult--but if I can cram a single paragraph into my day, that is success, too. I did end up applying to MFA programs, because I both want to set an example for Tallulah while paving out a better, more fulfilled future for myself as well. It's little steps for now.

  The other day I looked in the mirror and was taken aback. Then I went to try on clothes because most of my old stuff doesn't fit. I get that I won't fit into old shirts until I'm done breastfeeding, but I was pretty depressed after trying stuff on. The sizes I was fitting into are sizes I refuse to buy. Winter isn't very conducive to outside exercising and I'm sure nursing for several hours while watching TV doesn't help either. I don't want to be drastic in weight loss, because I am nursing--but I want to feel not-hideous. Is that too much to ask?

 During pregnancy I didn't dye my hair out of fear from the chemicals. Now I have this accidental ombre disaster. My eyebrows are in disarray. I need to schedule some sort of beauty thing ASAP--maybe try out a new hair color? Anything. Seriously.


At the end of December, Tiny Tallulah was in her thirteenth week--and thriving!

Vegan Baby: Weeks Twelve and Thirteen

Maternity leave is over. My hair seems to be leaving my head in clumps, either clinging to my hair brush or coiled around the tiny fingers of my baby. The times are changing, for sure.

Going back to work has been an adjustment. Obviously. On one hand, it is nice to interact with adults and be forced to actually look presentable. It's even kinda nice to have some sort of schedule to the day. Although, I would drop those benefits in an instant to be able to spend the time with Tallulah. Again, pretty obvious.

Returning to work means altering my life as a breastfeeding mom. It means a return to pumping. I had finally dropped most of those pump sessions and now I have to add them back in. If I work an earlier shift, it means waking up for the day when Tallulah is only waking up for an evening feed. It means sometimes getting up at 3:30 or four in the morning. It means an extremely exhausted mommy. My breaks consist of being in either someone else's office, or a tiny room closet-like room, hooked up to that dreaded machine. I really loathe pumping. It's definitely easier to be glued to a baby. At least there aren't a million parts to clean when she is nursing.

Work life has forced a lot of organization on my part. Do you know how challenging being organized is on minimal sleep? I do, now. I think this is where lists come in handy.

The last few days of my maternity leave brought a surprise for the non-mom me--I had my first publication. Twisted mini-tales of pregnancy and birth--kinda funny, considering they were written while I was goo-goo eyed for little Tallulah. I also worked on a side project during my leave that I hope I can reveal soon! It's a writing project that steers away from my usual literary realm. Stay tuned!

***

Before Tallulah was born everyone voiced their concerns on how Gustav would act around her. Honestly, with some of his behavioral issues--I was a little concerned. We already have to keep him and Pandora separate. I was imagining even more barriers and gates and maneuvering to love all the babies. Gustav proved all worries wrong. He's not even that interested in Tallulah. He'll sniff and lick her, before going on his way. Pandora is another story. Remember, Pandora was my only baby and best friend for a while. She was here before Eric, Gustav...and Tallulah. She has really been struggling lately. I don't know if she realized how much time this baby would consume; she knows now. Pandora copes in her cat ways--by just trying to walk on Tallulah or shove her out of the way. I've been extremely conscientious about making sure Pandora feels extra love--but it is challenging when slogging through sleep deprivation and breastfeeding inertia. Soon, Pandora will get her longer quality time again. I hope she can be just a little more patient!

During pregnancy I became reacquainted with the processed vegan foods. Not a proud moment, but when I had aversions to so many things those items were a blessing. Now, with motherhood I want so desperately to take the easy route and fall on those items again. And sometimes I do, but I've really been trying to focus on things that are easy and make a lot of servings, while being full of nutrients. Sometimes it's green smoothies, other times soups. Both things are basically just throw in a bunch of veggies and eat. Christmas I'll be cooking more, even though it's much more tailored down than normal.

Tallulah is now considered six weeks adjusted and I swear she has smiled at me a couple of times. I feel like she is such a "real" baby now. I love it and am thankful for her everyday. She's the best Christmas gift.

Vegan Baby: Weeks Ten and Eleven

This journey is constantly evolving. Our next move is me returning to work, which is happening in five days. I don't want to believe it, even as I miss being a member of adult society. I'm sure I'll get over that quick.

It still feels so soon. Tallulah's preemie status has her being much younger than her actual eleven weeks of age--her adjusted age will only be about five weeks when I go back, and who leaves a five week old baby?? Me, because I have run out of funds.

My biggest issue with returning to work is that we had just gotten into our rhythm. We are breastfeeding successfully, having one longer stretch of sleeping (after we have a marathon eating session of two or more hours, and usually including one bout of puking), and she is looking at me with this new awareness. She knows me. I don't want to leave those watchful eyes.

When I was pregnant, I had this whole idyllic image of maternity leave. In my vision, I was writing with ease while flitting around performing my motherly duties. Oh, silly me. It's a lot more chaotic than that. A beautiful chaos and I'm grateful for every moment that I was able to utilize for writing or crafting or sleeping. I don't expect anything for when I'm balancing my mother-self with my writer-self with my working-self. It will be a challenge that I'll take as it comes.

The other big theme of this time is Tallulah's first Christmas. We picked up her first tree and met with Mr. Claus. She was able to wear her super cute little Ms. Claus outfit.

During the tenth week, Tallulah had to make a visit to the doctor for clogged tear ducts. Apparently, it is a super common baby problem--much like her umbilical hernia. At that visit we found out that Tallulah weighed 8 pounds 5 ounces. Her growth is slowly down a bit, but still right on track. We are dropping almost all bottles (except at night when she has her vitamins).

Preemies are expected to hit their milestones according to their due-date age. One milestone that I am eagerly anticipating is a "real" smile. There are several times where she looks right and me and flashes her gums, but since it isn't constant I'm still thinking those are adorable reflexes. Tallulah can, however, hold her head up when I'm holding her--especially when she's hungry.

We closed out our maternity leave and Tallulah's eleventh week with a visit from her Grandpa Bob, Eric's dad. He brought his fancy camera to take some stellar photos and helped Eric fix up things around the house.

I feel like this update read very list-like. I can imagine that once I am working, the posts will be less conversation and more straight-to-the-facts.

We'll see in week twelve.

Vegan Baby: Weeks Eight and Nine

I have achieved success! It has been two weeks since I have had to use the nipple shield. Hurray! I'm not as drenched in my own milk! That being said, I'm not yet at the level where I can feed without trouble. I still need all my amenities: my bobby, a certain chair or pillows behind my back, and somewhere to lift my legs. Breastfeeding brings focus to her preemie status--feedings take quite a while and she is starving after an hour and a half to two hours. We have only had a couple of instances where straight nursing satiates her for three hours. From what I hear, that is how the nursed newborn rolls. We still offer bottled expressed milk at night, with maybe a scattered nursing session here and there. Honestly, I don't feel completely confident with my nursing skills and the measured bottle assures me she is getting the proper amount of food. Although, I should just trust she'll let me know if she isn't.--and I should be jumping at the chance to get rid of pumping. I'm down to four pumps a day, from eight every two-three hours. We are definitely making some progress!

Tallulah had her two month checkup at the end of November. She was seven pounds and ten ounces, still gaining over an ounce a day. The doctor still supported the Similac formula that they've been pushing and some conventional vitamin--when I told him that she is just drinking milk and I have found my own vitamin, a natural one, he did look slightly surprised. Supposedly, those chemically-produced, animal-sourced ingredients are supposed to make her grow quicker. Yet, she is growing rapidly on the things I have chosen for her, based on my own beliefs and morals. One for vegan baby, zero for corporate medicine. Speaking of, the great vaccine debate. I don't make rash decisions and I have done tons of research, which only leads to more confusion. All the horror stories on either side are anomalies. Not every vaccinated child dies from the side effects and not every non-vaccinated child comes down with some archaic disease. Of course, we don't want to be the exception on either side--but I feel much better not sticking her with artificial ingredients, especially with a preemies compromised immune system. Parenting is full of loaded decisions.

Pandora had to make a visit to her own doctor, too. There is still speculation of hidden kidney issues--apparently, blood work won't show renal concern until less than 75% of her kidneys are functioning. She was losing weight again and had her second UTI in a few months. She was injected with fluids and we are back to twice-weekly B12 shots. Pandora appears to be doing much better, but I'm still concerned. She is definitely the first baby, and I am not ready to face her mortality. Not that I'll ever be, really.

In case you haven't noticed the excessive consumer frenzy and festive decorations spilling over society, the holidays are coming! Tallulah has now had her first Halloween (with maternal Grandpa), and now has had her first Thanksgiving with her paternal Grandma. Thanksgiving can be a vegan nightmare, but also presents several opportunities to show how great vegan food is. Later, this holiday will be perfect for teaching Tallulah our compassionate lifestyle. I have attended Farm Sanctuary's Thanksgiving event with my mom, where you feed the turkeys rather than eating them. I can't wait to take Tallulah to this one day. This year,  Eric's mom made an awesome vegan spread for Thanksgiving. It was nice to just focus on baby and chatting, rather than sweating and stressing in the kitchen. I did prepare dessert, as I can't completely stay out of the kitchen. Those desserts were made with a snuggled baby in the Moby. Baby demands do compromise cooking--again, making Linda's cooking that much more appreciated. Plus, I love it when non-vegan family members support the lifestyle. It's even more awesome when they hail from South Dakota, a state many remember as the one that kicked Joan Jett off the state float for her veganism and its conflict with the ranching industry. We ate all the traditional fixings--including a couple I hadn't had in a few years: from-scratch stuffing and green bean casserole. This breastfeeding mom ate two full plates. Um, making mom-milk burns a lot of calories. Not that my waistband is supporting that notion.

 

Post-partum weight brings me to the non-baby part of motherhood--the mom herself. Life with a new baby means squeezing in showers, eating crackers all day because the baby is on a feed-a-thon and that is all you can reach, and watching your hair fade to a lovely shade of orange swamp. Plus, engorged milk-boobs make it impossible to fit into any old tops. A reality I'll have to face for at least a year. That should spark a shopping spree, but who wants to shops when you weigh some ungodly number? Looks like I'm stuck in leggings and stretchy dresses. The days where I do get to spruce up a bit with a longer shower and a dusting of make-up feel extra special, and help to feel a bit more human. I've still been attending my twice-a-month writing groups, which also fosters my not-mom self. Of course, while I love these groups, I also find myself missing her the whole time. I can't imagine how I'll feel when I go back to work....in 13 DAYS!!?? Yikes. I don't even want to think about it.

During Week Nine, I was able to take Tallulah to a write-in, at The Porch's event. I love writing with her wrapped up. That won't last forever as she'll soon be too awake. Maybe one day we can write at side by side desks. Maybe. :)

Tallulah is now ten weeks and up to size one diapers, with some of her newborn attire getting awfully tight. Craaaaaazzzy.

Vegan Baby: Weeks Six and Seven

  Week six brought my maternal grandparents, Tallulah's great-grandparents. They spoiled her with hugs, Christmas dresses, and a hi-tech baby monitor. We both enjoyed seeing them. Plus, we were able to go to few more restaurants. Now, the grandparents are not too keen on all-vegan fare--so, I had to find some places to accommodate both sides. We went to Suzy Wong's House of Yum, Battered and Fried, and Sloco. As much as I prefer a completely veg restaurant, it is nice to know that there are spots in town that we are able to eat and that your omnivorous family approves of. We can fight the go-vegan battle when we have more than thee hour sleep stretches.

  During week six, we hit a couple of milestones. We ditched the preemie stuff. That's right, she wore her last preemie diaper and we really struggled to squeeze her into the onesies. She's a real newborn now! :)

  Her seventh week was a huge milestone--it was the week she was due. I've heard from other preemie moms that the due date is super emotional and almost traumatic. We didn't experience either of those--just a sort of surreal feeling. That's the day she was expected, but we are so much more familiar with each other now. We have been incredibly lucky with her preemie experience, for which I am so thankful.

  These past couple of weeks hit on the center of my maternity leave. I can't believe it's already halfway over. I have to admit, it will be nice to be a part of civilization that gets dressed and speaks in more than coos and euphemisms for bodily functions. Although, the larger part of me is dreading leaving Tallulah. Can't I just wear her in the Moby at work? Or, can I hurry up with these novel revisions? I have been hitting the writing as hard as I can--but it is a challenge with a baby's feeding schedule. I have finally admitted to myself that I can't do it all--if there are some dishes in the sink or clumps of dog hair on the floor, the world will not collapse. I also want to utilize my remaining maternity time for writing. It will be much more challenging when I am balancing work and mommyhood.

  We are finding our routine, or trying to. Sleeping is non-existent and breastfeeding is still a trying process. I know one day we'll look back without bags under our eyes and a well-latched baby, and think We did it. It was so easy. Or something like that.

Vegan Baby: Week Five

  Tallulah had her first houseguest: her grandfather! Her grandfather (my father) came to visit from the vegan mecca, Portland. Sadly, he didn't arrive with Voodoo Doughnuts slipped into his carry-on, but he did bring some vegan recipes along for the ride--which was a pleasant surprise. You see, my dad isn't the biggest advocate for veganism--but he was willing to find a veggie recipe that he would like as well. Dad's recipes were for soups. We had time to make the carrot-ginger soup, and he left the recipe for a mushroom soup. I was able to impress him with my vegan shepherd's pie. Dad also brought doggie treats, which made him a friend for life with Gustav. Gustav was on his best behavior the entire week my dad was visiting.

 We used this trip to test out doing things with Tallulah. We took her to local tourist/rock star attraction, Third Man Records--where she had her first photo booth experience. She slept throughout the whole thing. We ate at a couple of restaurants and ran a few errands. Before my dad arrived, Tallulah and I even went to our first birthday party. All of these events would not be possible without my Moby. It enables me to not be stuck in the house, but also keep Tallulah less exposed. As she is a preemie, that is still something that has to be considered.

 The fifth week marked a huge milestone for us--Tallulah latched! We have been struggling through feedings. I am on a constant cycle of preparing bottles, pumping, and nursing with a messy nipple shield. My entire existence is measured in feedings. It gets exhausting. Her latching would at least mean I could ditch the nipple shield--and I did for about four days. Unfortunately, then she had troubles latching again. It's been inconsistent since then. I have to just tell myself that it's a sign that she is getting there. It's a struggle, though. On the breastfeeding note, how do breastfeeding moms do it while out and about. I feel like all of my clothes would make for an awkward display. I'm thinking I need to invest in a nursing cover. And I definitely don't think I could handle the nipple shield in public. It is so messy.

 Tallulah is anticipating a long weekend visit from her great-grandparents this weekend. We'll let you know how it goes!